I’ve been dodging the task of thinking about our relationship

because I know I’ll just break down and put myself through unnecessary pain.

I have been and still am submerging myself in prayer. Holding on to my faith in my God. I know He will make a way.

I have good faith in Him. He knows my heart.

But I can’t help myself to face the reality that I do have to think about this on my own too.

Of course every inch of me wants to save this… wants to save us.

I’ve been making concrete solutions regarding scheduling a day for each other every week and the rest can be for work and for some time for our own relaxation. I’ve been looking into what people call “taking a break”. I’ve been squeezing my brain and my friends’ ideas on how to hold onto this relationship and how I could fix this.

and then I realized… I don’t care about the time you give me every week or every day or whatever. I just want you to love me… again… whatever love entitles in your perspective.

I see the victory and I see the solution to our relationship.

But I see the giant that is your stubborn mind which consumes your heart and spirit.

And I’ve tried to battle it so many times and have failed… because I tried battling it with no direction and with no faith in God’s grace.

Now, I claim victory over it. I asked you to pray about us every single day until we finally talk. I hope you understand why. I hope you surrender this, as much as I have, to our all loving Father. I pray that He frees us from our own chains and He teaches us to love more like Him.

Knowing all this. I’m just scared. I don’t want to be. I don’t know if it’s right that I am scared. Is it right to be scared because this matters a lot to me? because you matter so much to me? Is it wrong to be scared because I should know that God will make a way for us?

I don’t know. I’m just trying to stay in this grace-filled state that God has blessed me with but I can’t help falling back into tiny holes of fear at night.

My baby’s hands sweat unusually

It has always been that way

hyperhydrosis

I pray for the day

that I can be 

the medicine

to keep your palms

balanced

You know I look back every so often

About how my life would have been

Had you not stepped off that ledge

 

Bars that go unvisited;

Laughter unheard;

 

Beers not drunk;

Songs unsung in concerts;

Vows never exchanged;

Careers unlaunched;

 

You spoke so much of love

Spoke of it with so much love

You set my skies ablaze

With the passion you had

 

One thing is for sure

Right now

there is a void

you should have filled

you could have filled

I wonder about a Pig

trust someone that writes about you at 3 in the morning.

I’ve been writing about you for so long but maybe you’ll never read them, like how you’ll read this and then completely disregard it.

I wonder if you’ll ever know the way I notice the direction your hair curls to or the way your head rolls when you’re asleep on the bus.

I wonder if you’ll ever know the way I notice the way you align the straps of your bag or the way that your handkerchief is always crumpled.

I wonder if you’ll ever know the way I notice how you scratch your head and raise your eyebrows while at it or the way you sleep like a fucker with straight posture.

I wonder if you’ll ever know the way I notice that the only soda you drink is of a dark color or the way that you fall asleep in under 5 minutes.

I wonder if you’ll ever know the way I notice that you dig your own grave sometimes or the way you dig my grave.

I wonder if you’ll ever wonder about me as much as I do about you.

I wonder when you’ll start the conversation this time.

I wonder if you remember me. But I don’t blame you. Maybe I’m not memorable to begin with.

I wonder if after reading all this you’ll remember that I have never and will never love you any less from the day I googled what in the rats ass “Saranghe” meant.

“Day in and day out” I love you

“You have to pick yourself up, move on … and before you do that, you have to ask for help.”

If you’ve followed TWLOHA for any time at all, you know we believe deeply in music as a medium to express emotion, cultivate community, and encourage healing. This video, from the New Zealand project Live for Tomorrow and musician Pieter T, is a prime example of that. The smooth, inspiring track is accompanied by real-life accounts from individuals who have faced depression, self-harm, addiction, and thoughts of suicide—and found hope to carry on.

(Please note, the stories in this video include frank thoughts about the realities of self-injury and suicide, which could be upsetting or triggering for some. We think it’s a powerful piece, but as always, consider carefully before watching or sharing.)

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 
a time to be born and a time to die, 
a time to plant and a time to uproot, 
a time to kill and a time to heal, 
a time to tear down and a time to build, 
a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
a time to mourn and a time to dance, 
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 
a time to embrace and a time to refrain, 
a time to search and a time to give up, 
a time to keep and a time to throw away, 
a time to tear and a time to mend, 
a time to be silent and a time to speak, 
a time to love and a time to hate, 
a time for war and a time for peace. 

Small weird epiphanies

The other day, you were lying on the bed of our friend trying to take nap.

My right hand going through the growing curls on your head to help you sleep, and all I could think was how could I ever live without you?

Even with all the frustrations you could give me, at the end of the day, I look past it and all I see is your gentle heart.

Gentle lover, stay with me always.

Love in the Holocaust.

My Introduction to Psychology professor noted how significant it was for somebody like Anne Frank to fall in love during a disaster such as the Holocaust.

I think I was the only one who thought that it wasn’t that challenging. Isn’t it at the lowest points in life that we get to see things in finer detail? And when we see things in finer detail, don’t we find a greater appreciation for it? I mean, what else is there to search for in hopelessness? Love is the deus ex machina of every disaster. Love is what you cling to and yearn for at your lowest.

Anne Frank knew it as well as I did.

you would’ve saved yourself a lot of heartache.

Look closer.

I haven’t been all the active in my community at Church lately due to hectic schedules and workload. I must admit that it does make me feel guilty to put my faith aside so easily. But then, I realized how interaction with God need not occur in purely spiritual activities. Interaction with God happens in every small deed you execute everyday, every loved one you talk to everyday and every trial you use to refine you instead of define you.

Live blessed!