“I look at the Augusteum,and I think that perhaps my life has not actually been so chaotic, after all. It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. The Augusteum warns me to not to get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve. Yesterday I might have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough–but tomorrow I could be a fireworks depository. Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation.”

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Apr 23

Baby steps

I can see You leading me from the boat and into the waters.

In the midst of this storm, You ask me to trust You. You ask me to take heart.

The storms scare me. The unknown scares me. The darkness scares me.

But I know there is something great that You are leading me to.

Hold my hand, Father. I am scared but my faith and trust will not leave You.

Apr 22

Unending Love; Amazing Grace

Last night, My Great Lover told me that:

1. The pain He felt from all the whips could never amount to the pain He feels for me

2. He has fashioned my heart to His image

3. He is not trying to hurt me

4. I have to let my guard down

5. He is pleased with my work

6. I am one of His most beautiful creations

7. I have to go through this to deepen my heart

8. I have to let Him take care of me

9. It’s time for me to rest

10. So much of Him is in me

Thank you, Father. I come to rest with You.

“If God says it, that settles it.”

Apr 22

God heals.

It’s hard to let go of people you love especially when you feel like it is before its time. I realize though that what you feel is not always what is good for right now. I now understand the saying that “When you truly love someone, you have to know when to let them go.” It’s true. I wonder where it went wrong but it didn’t go wrong anywhere. We just need to grow separately. I feel that you still have a lot to figure out with yourself and with what you want in life. Until you do, I don’t think it’s best that we stay together. It’s time for you to grow and learn what I’ve learned from my past and to learn what you’ll learn on your own path.

I feel that God wants my heart for Himself alone right now. I feel that God wants your heart to Himself too. He’s going to work with it. He’s going to work with us.

Whatever this is supposed to lead to, whether it restarting this one day or going different paths, trust that there is a Hallelujah! moment in this.

No doubt is sucks and it kills me because I love you just as much as from the moment I first knew I love you. I don’t want to let go but I have to. I’m not giving up on you. I’m not giving up on us. I’m letting this heal. I’m letting our own hearts and lives heal. It’s in your name, dear. “God heals” and that settles it. There is something great ahead of us here. I know it. I just don’t know what exactly.

It’s time for you to go on learning what I’ve been trying to teach you. I realize these are lessons one must experience and not lessons that are taught directly from one person to another.

And it’s time for me to rest.

Apr 15

I remember being

awake at night, crying…

because I don’t want to forget your voice, Marc.

Apr 15